Secrets to Keep

Are there secrets meant to keep or am I simply afraid of exposing myself - my humanity?
Whatever it is that I think is such a dark and dangerous secret, no doubt has been experienced and/or felt by someone else and I am no longer sure that keeping these secrets helps anyone - including me.
For certain, I am ashamed of past decisions and actions, of choices made based on fear rather than greatness. I have dabbled in self-righteousness and for sure even pity - but that is not who I want to be.
The time between secrets is eclipsing - growing shorter and narrower - revealing.
I want to stand strong and unwavering as I expose my soul to the light and I hope with a hope unending that I have the strength and the might.

Soulful

Oh, you who sing the song of mystery - touching the mystic -nurturing the gypsy life inside of me.
Soulful are your words that express human love - human suffering and also human greatness as well as the infinite serenity.
You the singer, the songstress - do not doubt the song you are meant to sing. Search deep in your soul and your heart for the words that breathe life into the heart of humanity.
Sing the sun up and down again. Sing me into the rapture of dreams. Play me a tune upon your instrument so vulnerable and everlasting - so true.
Light up the day and the night with your song and allow me to join in the chorus. Sweet soul sister - the one among us who dares to bare her true beauty - allow me to honor you.

Lost

I know and understand the experience and feeling of being lost. I often feel like a man without a country - as if I am asked again and again to leave all that I know and love behind. To pack a few meager belongings and set off - adrift on an unknown sea - afoot on an undefinable territory fitted with strange images and ways that are unknown to me. Leaving me cold and haunted -having me long for the comfort and safety of a home I don't even know.
Mostly, when I become immersed in lost places and mysterious circumstances, I feel torn between staying to try and figure things out and wanting to wake from a frightful dream.
How can I want to be a leader among men, and at the same time struggle to find my own way?

Electrified

In moments of clarity - of supreme and utter connection to my divine purpose I become electrified.
I become an amplified being capable of extreme courage and determination. I am granted the grace of God and am able to surpass the limitations I once conceived. I gain a type of personal power that is not defined in human terms but comes from the universe conspiring on my behalf. I only wish that this experience was not fleeting and as finite as it feels once it is gone.
Once you experience divine intervention, it seems that nothing else can compare and for me it seems that I am always searching for a way back to this experience. How can a person be privy to a direct connection with the Divine and then spend the rest of their life in search of the reconnection. Somehow, this doesn't seem fair - and when I think this way, I feel like a complainer - like I am not grateful for having had the experience in the first place.
Once you experience the immenseness of divinity - nothing else measures up - I do try to connect to this on a daily basis - I do try to live my life in such a way that I honor the greatness of everything - I try to honor the humbleness of the seed but also want to exhalt the glorious existence of the bursting bloom. I struggle with the fact that God deemed me fit to grant me direct contact with the divine at a time of great need and anxiety, but then has left me to figure out the rest on my own. This is the part that remains a mystery to me .

Dreamer

My dream feels like a star in an extraordinarily big sky.

Each day when I rise, no matter the challenges I face, I must keep my gaze toward the shining - no matter how far away it may seem - the dreamer in me keeps my heart beating and I know I am on my way.

I cannot give up - I must find the courage and summon all my strength.

Dreams give you wings and when things aren't so easy, I wonder -how soon after the wings comes the flying? With wings beating wildly, I continue the journey. I will keep trying to fly to the sun - as my dream and I become one.

Complicated

Some days seem much too complicated.

Complicated by too many things to do - too many things left undone - too many worries - too many regrets - too many thoughts - too many lies - too many lines scribbled upon my face, my heart and my life.

On the complicated days, I struggle to understand what God wants from me - why things seem so hard - why I have been given these dreams and face so may challenges trying to make them come true.

On the complicated days I want to erase some of the complicated lines - smooth things out a bit - clean up and press out the wrinkles, toss out the frivolous and the unnecessary - simplify.

A life less complicated could be nice - but if I truly have chosen these things that make up my life, perhaps I am just not seeing things clearly - perhaps I am worthy and the complications are a case of mistaken identity. Maybe what I need is a new way of looking - an uncomplicated state of mind.

Exotic

I am intrigued with things exotic and mysterious. The lush and vibrant colors - the sensuous appeal. I dream of far-off lands, of unexplored islands, of ruins, caves and caverns, forests, jungles - ancient ways and medieval times.

In my mind's eye I bring forward detailed imagery of these exotic places that exist only in my imagination - or do they?

Ecstasy

I want to feel God's touch upon my life.

I want to feel forever connected with all that is and move beyond my fears to step into the light.

When I am disconnected to source, this is when I experience great suffering and pain. This is where I get eaten alive by my own thoughts and emotions and I don't like it. But, some days it can be a challenge to flip the switch - to reconnect.

To have great faith is to face fear and unknowing and work through it. To believe there is a brighter day on the other side keeps me moving, even if it is just one small step at a time.

If I can stay in the place where I realize I am always loved -glimpse the spaces in between and not forget - I know I can do better than survive - I can experience the ecstasy.

Woman on the Verge

I am a woman on the verge.

Though, I can't put into words exactly what I am on the verge of. Never-the-less, I am on the verge of something - something great and wonderful. Maybe, it's a dream come true 0r maybe its a breakthrough of some sort - maybe it will move me to the next stage of my spiritual evolution.

I don't think it really matters that I have no name for it other than "on the verge" - this suits the feeling quite fine and sometimes names come with judgements and I am avoiding judging these days.

Yes, I am on the verge - sometimes it feels like release - sometimes it feels I am falling effortlessly through time and space - sometimes being on the verge feels like standing on the ledge of a very tall building looking down and not being afraid.

I am a woman on the verge and I know I'll be alright - I know I'll be okay.

Knowledge

I am lover of knowledge and appreciate those who pass their wisdom onto others.

I didn't always respect the life experience that the elders in my life and in the world were sharing with me. When I was young, I thought I knew everything and that my way was the best way.

I always had a rebellious streak within me and although my intentions were sort of noble, I was at times downright disrespectful of my parents, teachers and other authority figures in my life. It was sometimes difficult to sort through all the things that people were telling me and teaching - to see the gems of wisdom among all the crap being heaped on me - all the rules and conventions that were pressing down and smothering my creativity and authenticity. So, more often times than not, I rebelled against authority and unfortunately this rebellion shut out not only my oppressors, but the genuinely good folks in my life, who really did have something positive to share and teach me.

It has been a long journey to the me I am today - a person who is able to discern meaning and what serves me. I have found so many wonderful people whose message and teachings are now an integral part of my life - they have helped me find my way back to the real me and what I have learned and continue to learn is empowering. I am finding ways to be my real self and also live my life from a place of wise-mind. I now respect and honor my parents - all they have experienced in their lifetime and all that they have done for me. They are my greatest role models and teachers and have loved me unconditionally - not an easy task I might add.

I continue to seek out the wise ones - the masters of life who have overcome, those who use the laws of the universe to live happy and fulfilling lives. I value what they know and what they share and I hope it is within me to one day share what I have learned with others. I have this hope that will not die - that as I become stronger in my recovery that I can become a mentor through what I do to someone who needs a little help and guidance. I know what it is like to be troubled and to struggle with internal strife - to feel mad in a world that wants me to think, act and be a certain way - a way that is just not me. I can empathise with those that are facing their own demons and internal turmoil. I want to be a beacon of hope for the lost and lonely for those that struggle to fit in.

There is great knowledge and real wisdom worth knowing out there in the world - it is available to us all if we look for it. If we choose to incorporate new knowledge bit by bit into our life we can make real change and experience great transformation. All is possible!

Seeker

I am one who sees and one who seeks.

The seeker is an ever-present and common theme throughout my life. The longing to find the hidden meaning, to uncover truth and to locate wisdom in its many forms and wherever it might be.

As a seeker I must keep my eyes wide-open and view the world and life circumstances not only with open eyes, but with an open mind and heart.

Living this way allows me to experience all the beauty life can offer and to see beauty where others might not. This attracts me to the obscure, the unusual and sometimes to the darker places within.

As a seeker, I must be brave enough to witness what is revealed to me - sometimes this is painful and sometimes I really don't like what I see - but I must look beyond the illusion - beyond appearances, to grasp the real meaning and true beauty that is part of all creation.

To seek and see God in everyone and everything - including me.

Forever Young

There is a part of me that wants to be forever young. Young of heart, in mind, of body and in spirit.
This nourishes my inner-child and helps to keep me playful, imaginative and curious. This allows me to not take life so seriously.
I admire the way that youth approach life with an adventurous way of seeing and being. The young are not afraid to express themselves in their language, dress and through music. They find it natural to question the status quo and take risks. They are open to new ideas. They seem to experience life very deeply and live in the moment more easily.
Sometimes it saddens me to think about getting older. This happens most when my focus is on regret and what I feel I might be losing - when I cling to the idea of youthfulness. However, if I stop and reflect on my feelings and really look without judgement at the emotions underneath, I find I can let go of the regret and turn my focus - I can be grateful for the wisdom and courage my years have imparted and still be young inside.
It saddens me also when I see how society can rob a once free-spirited soul of its spontaneity, of its individuality and uniqueness. I must resist this - I don't want to lose the sense of my childlike self - I don't want to give into the expectations and limitations of living my life through the collective unconscious.
Sometimes I feel very isolated by the things about me I like most - the things that make me unique - but I will not give up or give in to outside pressure to "fit in". I will continue to seek out the fun in life. To nurture my inner child and let her know that she is safe to dance, sing, be silly, laugh, play games, dream, dress up, pretend and be full-on colorful. It is important that this part of me always be forever young and free.

Confinement

Sometimes, I feel so confined by my own thoughts - at times my emotions feel so unmanageable it makes me want to scream.

I want so much to break free from the old patterns and beliefs that bind me to my past. I long to reach deep inside to touch the place where things truly matter - to the source of my greatness, my inner knowing and my peace.

I know it's in there - this ability to transform what was into what I desire now - the capability to tap into my God-given creativity, wisdom and truth - the real me.

I will keep practicing each day to break the hold of ignorance, judgement and labeling.

I will choose to view my life from a perspective of possibility. A way to be born anew into the moment where fragments of me become whole.

I will practice compassion and loving kindness toward myself and others and this shall set me free.

Nature Child

The Nature Child within renews me.

She sees with eyes of wonderment, awe and beauty. When I am afraid she calls me to visit her world and return to gentleness and love.

When I am close to the nature child aspect of who I am, I instantly become grounded and centered. I experience the silent ever-present magic that exists in all of life but is so often missed when I hurry about my ordinary day.

My nature child reminds me to open my mind and heart and to tread lightly on this earthly plane that supports me and I temporarily call home.

When I am tired and stressed and take time to slow the pace I find that nature is there to receive my weary heart with open arms. She holds me close against her breast. The warmth of her soul unites me with all she knows I am. I am released from fear and feel her quiet strength - ablaze in a beautiful sunrise and alive in the sweetness of the hummingbird that perches in my hand.

Destruction

My hands hold the power of immense creation -but also the power of terrible destruction. When I tear things down, rip them to shreds, pound my fists and clench my hands - this is when I reveal the destroyer within. And in the aftermath, when I witness what I've broken, I can hardly believe that the mess before me, the tragic error in judgement, was made possible with the same hands that long to hold truth and beauty.

The same hands that tenderly embrace and eagerly reach toward what is right and good - hands that hold close all that I love so dearly. The same hands that place paint on canvas in order to birth meaning.

These hands that pray - these hands that long to give and make - but can also hurt and take.

Can I wash my hands clean of the grime and stickiness of self-inflicted-negativity (SIN)? Of the destroyer? With radical acceptance, patience, self-love and forgiveness - I believe I can...

Wanderlust

Sometimes I wander.

I wander in my mind and sometimes with my body. Sometimes, my spirit wanders - even when I wish that it were steadfast and strong.

There is a gypsy part of me that desires to be wild and free, it wants to explore and roam and often it seems in conflict with the part of me that wants to belong, to want the safety and security of home.

As I work things out in my mind and heart, I do believe that there are times, that it is OK to wander - to seek things out - to be a little lost and to be okay with that. It is the knowing of who I really am that helps me feel safe. As I come to know myself better and better, the more I am OK with the notion of wandering but also with having the certainty that I am deeply loved - that I can always come "home" no matter where I've been.